Oregon-based McMenamins—known for restoring historic PNW properties into nostalgia-packed bars and hotels—announced today they’re going to fuck around with an abandoned K-Mart in Tacoma and see what happens.
“Any idiot with a stud finder and a home equity loan can restore a historic theater,” sneered Isabella Wyknott, McMenamins Vice President of Exposed Beams, when asked for comment near the end of a 4-martini lunch. “Pacific Northwest families are so desperate to feel part of something old. It’s unseemly. But if we pull this off, we’ll be untouchable, darling. Untouchable.”
McMenamins says its restored Tacoma K-Mart, Super St. K’s, will feature discontinued Martha Stewart linens, round Kathy Ireland clothing rack meditation rooms, and historic fitting rooms transformed into “Blue Light Special” boutique hotel suites. Its centerpiece will be an indoor waterpark located on the exotic aisles of the old electronics department complete with toaster-shaped pool toys.
“I thought Isabella was fucking with me—the property has a lot of water damage, asbestos floor tiles, and evidence of Spirit Halloween intrusion,” said McMenamins historic architect Ted Mould. “But, honestly, I’m terrified of Isabella, so I’m working nights on it.”
McMenamins said their next project will be restoring Tacoma’s Stadium High School into the historic set of 10 Things I Hate About You.
