The Mariners announced their decision to honor Cal ‘Big Dumper’ Raleigh today by transforming the “Hit It Here Café” into “The Dump.”
“Cal has hit so many bombs this season that he’s completely demolished the Hit It Here Café, so management decided to save some cash and just rename it The Dump in his honor instead of rebuilding,” said Mariners spokesperson Carla Arraez. “We’re looking forward to Big Dumper backing up the badonka-dumptruck and filling the section with a record-setting number of home runs, because if he doesn’t keep carrying the team we’re definitely missing the playoffs again this year.”
Mariners fans were quick to jump aboard the new sponsored section.
“There’s no better way to enjoy a ballgame than to be out in The Dump, rummaging around the outfield with my fellow Trash Pandas, hoping to get dumped on by the Big Dumper himself,” said Bobby Smith, dressed as Oscar the Grouch. “They’re selling $30 novelty popcorn trash cans, but I ain’t paying that, that’s like one Bubble Stash tallboy. That’s why I snuck in my own trash can under my jersey and filled it with popcorn from the ground—oh hell yeah, there’s a bonus Twizzler in here!”
The Mariners later announced that the Club Section would also soon feature an upscale experience for a more discerning clientele called “Caleb John Raleigh’s Responsible Recycling Region.”
