U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly mortified after waking up this afternoon to discover he accidentally posted military secrets on the I-5 Uncle Sam Billboard.
“I’m still piecing the night together, but the last thing I remember was ‘Kill the Keg’ at Earl’s on the Ave, and then I woke up in a ditch off I-5 underneath an Uncle Sam billboard that read ‘Yemen airstrike 0500 hours lol, anyone up for beer pong?'” said Hegseth, searching the brush for his pants. “I’m absolutely disgusted that some journalist had the nerve to report on this when highway billboards are supposed to be encrypted, but rest assured I’ll get to the bottom of this security breach as soon as the sky stops spinning.”
Pvt. John Alvarez reportedly recovered Hegseth from the ditch after spotting him while driving up to Joint Base Lewis McChord.
“Normally I’d be more upset about someone drunkenly spilling military secrets, but honestly I was lowkey impressed he was able to change the sign like that with two Old English 40s taped to his hands,” said Pvt. Alvarez, passing a Gatorade and a bottle of aspirin to Hegseth. “Dude was in a bad way when I found him. He said he’d tell me the nuclear football codes if I stopped at the Fortune Casino in Lacey and got him a Jack & Coke and a burger on the way to the base.”
At press time, Hegseth was reportedly horrified to realize he drunkenly spelled out “May Israel weapon shipment let’s gooooo” in Juicy Fruit on the Gum Wall.
