Mariners star catcher Cal Raleigh was reportedly reduced to tears today after finding out the nickname Seattleites had been calling him for the past several years.
“We hope you’re happy! Word finally got back to Cal that you’ve all been calling him ‘Big Dumper’ and now he’s crying in the dugout and won’t come out,” said teammate Logan Gilbert. “Thanks to you I’ve spent all morning reassuring Cal that his Dump doesn’t look too big in the City Connect uniforms. You know, if you guys bothered to get to know him, you’d realize he’s more than that voluptuous wagon he backs on up to the plate—he’s also got a ‘Big Thumper’ too: his heart.”
Mariners fans reportedly felt bad after realizing they’ve been objectifying the local sports hero.
“I never really thought about it that way, but I guess I wouldn’t like it very much if someone came to my job and called me Mr. Big Cheeks or Ass-istant Professor of Badonkanomics,” said season ticket holder Paul Alvarez. “Well, from now on, I promise not to call him the Sultan of Ham Slam, or talk about how he’s got more double bubble than Pete Carroll, or that he’s sitting on more junk in the trunk than the line at Ballard Goodwill, and especially that he’s got more poop deck than the Seafair Pirates.”
Following the outpouring of support, the team has reportedly learned their lesson and decided to pull all ‘Mariner Moose Knuckle’ merch from the team store.
