Today a local conservative and ICE agent who cried bloody murder when asked to wear a mask during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic clarified he’s actually totally fine with wearing masks as long as it’s to ruin lives, not save them.
“Oh, as long as I’m wearing a mask to irreparably ruin lives and rip families apart while hiding my identity to avoid any public accountability, I’m totally cool with it,” said the masked plainclothes ICE agent, who wouldn’t give us his name as he tore a kid with cancer away from her family and hand-cuffed her in preparation for deportation on her own to Libya. “But wear one to help save lives even if it’s my own? I’d literally rather die.”
As the ICE agent continued dragging parents who committed the crime of legally asking for asylum away from their wailing families at Seattle Immigration Court this week, he explained his stance on masks is all about American values.
“Wearing masks to save lives restricts the financial liberties of this country’s most respected shareholders, eugenicists, and healthcare CEOs–a direct violation of American values,” the ICE Agent said as his colleagues nodded in agreement. “We’re Oath Keepers, not our brother’s keeper. And proud of it! But also we don’t want people know who we are for some reason.”
At press time, the FDA was reportedly going to recommend limiting the wearing of face masks to only ICE agents and surgeons operating on billionaires.
