The Mariner Moose was reportedly deported back to his native Canada by ICE agents today despite being a legal U.S. resident for the past 35 years.
“We’re proud to report that this violent thug’s reign of terror is finally over — you can’t see it past all the fur, but underneath he’s got knuckle tattoos that show that he’s a member of the deadly Moose-13 street gang,” said ICE agent Bill Hogmore, spitting on a nearby dog. “We have it on good authority that this sick bastard has been shooting t-shirt bazookas at children during on-field ATV drive-bys, and I know we’ll all feel safer knowing he’s finally off the basepath.”
President Donald Trump took a break from playing golf in Arlington Cemetery to praise the deportation.
“You know, folks, I’ve been saying for many years that the Mariner Moose was a very nasty hombre that’s been smuggling fentanyl from China across the Canadian border in baseballs,” said Trump. “My dear friend Howard Schultz moved the Sonics away after Pike’s Place Market was burned down by Antifa, but I told Mayor Harrell you can have the team back once you shut down the illegal transgender hospitals giving bags of Dick’s to women and children. I’d hate to see the same thing happen to the Mariners, but Law and Order must prevail!”
At press time, Trump had reportedly signed an executive order issuing further cuts at the National Weather Service, demanding they stop monitoring the Seattle Storm.
