Eager to take advantage of the unseasonably warm and sunny weather, today Governor Bob Ferguson broke out the shades and chainsaw to hack the shit out of the state budget in the Capitol Campus yard.
“I christened this chainsaw after I unveiled it at a Downtown Seattle Association event earlier this week on a $70k contract for recarpeting the Governor’s Office—now everyone knows I’m making sacrifices to address our $12B budget deficit too,” said Gov. Ferguson as he made confetti out of legislation that would continue to help fund food banks. “So, when you’re all complaining about how children in poverty are—in addition to not getting free school lunches—also not getting free breakfasts and dinners at home anymore, I don’t want to hear it. We’re all making sacrifices to make this work for my rich campaign donors who would rather see the world burn than pay an iota more in taxes.”
Asked if slashing the budget with a motorized blade was the most realistic way to close a giant budget shortfall when millions in federal funding cuts may make things much worse very soon, Gov. Ferguson had no doubt.
“I’m not procrastinating, I’m doing side quests to make our budget more efficient—haven’t you heard? It’s all the rage right now,” Gov. Ferguson said as he chased a group of government workers. “E-mail me five things you did this week by Sunday night you lolligags or I’m gutting your job and every state agency you work for! Or don’t—I have to make committing $100 million to hiring more cops during a major budget deficit pencil out somehow.”
At press time, Gov. Ferguson admitted that he also signed an executive order to restore funding for preventing the local spread of measles, which he earlier this morning had accidentally put through a woodchipper.
