God is profusely apologizing today after accidentally hitting reply all on a long-belated answer to a prayer from follower Timothy Berman asking to finally meet the love of his life.
“One woman of your dreams cumming up if you know what I’m saying – she does all the things you asked for including that tongue thing where she licks your [redacted],” wrote God in the reply-all email that also got sent to all of Timothy’s dead relatives including Nana. “If you want to keep her, highly recommend replacing all the skidmark-stained underwear and washing that wall you wipe your boogers on. Dude, what are you, three? Help me help you.”
God said he was just really backed up on replying to a bunch of prayers and didn’t realize how many other people in the sky Timothy had sent the prayer.
“I swear on my son’s grave I didn’t mean for Timothy’s grandmother to see that—she practically had a heart attack all over again,” God said. “I was just trying to do the right thing by finally replying. God I hate answering prayers. I swear I’ll flood the entire Earth again if one more sad, single fuck ‘circles back’ on where their soulmate is.”
Jesus Christ, who came out in support of his father, admitted it’s been a PR nightmare for the Holy Trinity.
“Let he who has not taught his parent to use a computer cast the first stone,” said Christ. “He couldn’t even figure out his first iPad, and I had to tell Him that tablets haven’t been made of stone since Moses. We’re getting absolutely crucified on social media, and it could take one, two, maybe three days to come back from this.”
At press time, God reverting back to communicating via burning bush was also reportedly going sideways after he accidentally added the editor of The Atlantic to it.
