Multi-hyphenate tech CEO Elon Musk reportedly jolted awake in a cold sweat today after suffering a recurring nightmare of a transgender athlete dunking on him.
“It was the same nightmare again: There I am, about to home-slam the basket orb and win the big match, when out of nowhere a hulking transgender athlete leaps over my head and drags their mystery genitals across my forehead as they shatter the backboard with a colossal dunk,” said Musk, sobbing into a pillow. “I’m helpless to fight back against the completely unfair amount of superhuman-hormones coursing through their veins! Then my entire family carries them away on their shoulders and celebrates with some sort of satanic drag ritual involving Ellie the Elephant without me.”
Musk’s assistant confirmed that these recurring nightmares had been going on for years.
“Oh my god, Elon whines about some new trans dream every week—first there was the transgender gamer stealing his spot on the Diablo 4 leaderboard, then the trans gymnast doing a triple backflip and landing on his nuts, and don’t get me started on the ‘forbidden hole-in-one’ trans golfer dream he won’t shut up about,” said personal assistant Conrad Stevenson. “Let’s face it, the guy is obsessed—his ex dates a trans person and now he’s gotta make his baggage everyone else’s problem. I’d tell him to pick up a hobby but he’ll probably just have some nightmare about a trans person painting Warhammer miniatures better than him.”
At press time, JK Rowling reached out to Musk to commiserate about her traumatizing nightmare about a trans copy editor correcting her grammar.
