Local real estate mogul Martin Selig reportedly kicked three supernatural visitors to the curb early today after the ghosts attempted to teach him a lesson about the true meaning of Christmas.
“Oh great, another ghostly visitor here to teach me some sort of lesson about charity at Christmas—well, you won’t be so smug when all your otherworldly possessions are thrown out on the curb,” said Selig, signing an eviction notice despite the rest of the Downtown office property being otherwise completely empty. “This is the 200th ghost I’ve been visited by over the last 40 years, doesn’t anyone in the afterlife have jobs? They just keep showing me the same sad families not being able to afford a nice Christmas. If I wanted to watch people suffer I’d gawk at all the gross homeless people living on the streets outside my empty office buildings.”
One of the ghosts was reportedly horrified by the heartless gesture.
“I’ve haunted a lot of rich assholes in my day, but Selig is among the worst—I showed him an unhoused kid sleeping in a car and he just demanded to know if the family was on time paying rent for that parking space,” said the ghost, picking up his possessions outside of the building he haunted for 20 years. “Even Ebeneezer Scrooge felt bad enough to buy that sick kid a roast goose. Trying to teach him about Christmas was admittedly probably the wrong move: He needed a ghost that shows you how to turn Downtown Office space into housing so more people have places to live and so he doesn’t default on a half billion dollars in loans he took out to keep properties no one’s renting.”
At press time, Mayor Harrell had allocated $500 million to give the SPD Proton Packs to help them sweep the three ghosts’ encampment.
