A five-month man hunt—which involved unprecedented collaboration between five separate local, county, state and federal law enforcement agencies’ top detectives and only half of the city’s $15 million major investigations budget—has finally led to the arrest of the man who callously stole a bottle of Tide from the Northgate Target.
“The Pacific Northwest has long been known for attracting criminal psychos like the Green River Killer and right up there with them in the True Crime hall of fame is definitely Detergent Dan,” said SPD Det. Jeff Bungles. “Public safety is our number one priority, and that’s why we for almost the entire last year have pushed aside all other cases—break-ins, shootings, domestic violence you name it—to finally get this sociopath.
At least 50 police cars converged on the suspect while he was walking to a laundromat with the corporate profit-margin murder weapon in-hand.
“I wanna thank City Attorney Ann Davison and Mayor Harrell, without whom we would have had to work on much more difficult cases or respond to a shooting five minutes away in under 20 minutes,” Det. Bungles said. “Together, we’re all making this city safer by making sure the desperately poor have no way to afford washing their clothes.”
At press time, Republican candidate for Washington state governor Dave Reichert was already taking credit for cracking the case.
