In a bold move just in time for the holiday shopping season, today President-Elect Donald Trump announced that Black Friday has always been Indian, dismissing any claims to the contrary as fake news.
“Since I was a boy, Black Friday was always as Indian as homemade chapati and dal shorba on a rainy day. It was Indian all the way, but now it wants to be Black? Unbelievable,” said Trump, describing what he sees as a “woke rebranding” of the day. “I know it wants to target Black shoppers but this is ridiculous. Everyone knows Black Friday is really just for curling up with a cup of masala chai and shopping Black Friday deals online while re-watching Hasan Minhaj’s latest standup special Off With His Head!”
Trump suggested that the push to call it “Black” Friday is part of a broader plot to erase Indian holidays.
“Next thing you know, they’ll say Cyber Monday is Amish Monday—it’s all very unfair,” Trump said. “The Amish love me by the way–I hate disloyal and uncooperative pant zippers too.”
Upon being informed that the Friday after Thanksgiving is actually Native American Heritage Day, Trump stood his ground and ordered “Native Americans” to go back to being called “Indians” because white men are never wrong about anything.
“Donald Trump” Photo by Gage Skidmore (CC BY-SA 2.0)
