A new two-drink coffee limit will be enforced starting this week at Capitol Hill’s new crochet and coffee spot after an overcaffeinated patron snatched a knitting needle from another woman’s corgi dog sweater project and used it to stir her latte, escalating into what patrons described as a “full-on fencing event.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have given Hayleigh that third PSL, especially when she was that deep into a ribbed sweater—it all went downhill from there,” said Stitch Café barista Joanne Michaels with a deep sigh while picking up shards of broken mugs. “Next thing you know, she and Kayleigh are coming at each other like Kitana and Mileena with knitting needles in a very jittery game of Mortal Kombat. If a hero hadn’t knocked her out with one of those crochet hooks the size of a large wooden chair leg, there definitely would have been a fatality for more than this shredded dog sweater.”
The café is asking its customers to also better know their own limits, drink responsibly, and not ever mistake their knitting needles for vampire stakes.
“Sure, some people can pound back five black coffees in an afternoon without feeling a thing, but some of you can’t handle more than a lavender latte and you know it,” said café owner Amy Claret. “If you’re determined to break the rules, at least come with a sober sister who’s only going to drink decaf to make sure you get home safely and don’t turn into a Kill Bill character who challenges everyone to a battle to the death with Hattori Hanzo knitting needles.”
At press time, the café was reportedly still having issues with a few patrons who were clearly pre-gaming their café visits with home-brewed cups of French press coffee and Four Loko.
