Not satisfied with a level of decadence that would instantly kill a medieval peasant, Jeff Bezos reportedly traveled to the Amazon rainforest today in search of new endangered birds to stuff inside his Turducken for Thanksgiving dinner.
“Show yourself, exotic bird! Or I’ll have your habitat paved and sentence your entire species to a lifetime of confinement inside my Bezos Balls,” shouted Bezos, scanning the tree line with a flamethrower in hand. “I don’t care how many acres of rainforest I have to torch, I will find you and stuff you inside your fallen comrades. We can do this the easy way or the same-day ship your leftovers to your family way.”
Amazon guide Thiago Santos revealed that the historic expedition had struggled due to Bezos’ hands-on approach to procuring his Thanksgiving feast.
“He’s actually found several options already, but he keeps sucking the blood out of them and telling me they’re not ‘sufficiently succulent’ before throwing them at my head,” said Santos, peering through his binoculars at a brilliantly plumed specimen. “We’ve driven at least 15 species of birds to extinction already and the guy still isn’t satisfied. If he ever turns on me, don’t worry—I always pack an angry cassowary as a last resort.”
At press time, Bezos reported that if he was unable to find new birds to complete his Matryoshka doll of gluttony, he planned to create the world’s first Thanksgiving CapyGuarThon: a Capybara stuffed inside a Jaguar stuffed inside a Python.
