At The Needling, we pride ourselves on fair and balanced real fake news reporting, and sometimes that means reaching across the aisle for another perspective. This week, President-elect Donald Trump’s pick for U.S. Attorney General, Rep. Matt Gaetz, took time out of his busy schedule lurking outside DC-area high school girls volleyball games to sit down with us for an interview.
The Needling: Rep. Gaetz, thank you for your time.
Matt Gaetz: No, thank you so much for dragging me out to this liberal wasteland, the only good thing about this ANTIFA-infested shithole is you’ve got this stunning young woman on your billboards out here: redhead, freckles, some real grade-A veal. You think she’s single?
TN: Are you talking about the Wendy’s logo? Like the fast food restaurant?
MG: Wendy! What a sultry, supple young name—so you know her? She’s working at a fast food restaurant, so she’s gotta at least be in high school right? Do you think she’s legal?
TN: Why…why would we know that?
MG: Aren’t you people reporters? Why don’t you go on down to the local food court and report her A/S/L back to me.
TN: She’s a cartoon, so we don’t really know how old she is…
MG: See this is what’s wrong with the liberal media, there used to be a time when alpha males could inquire about barely legal cartoon mascots without being second guessed. First you took the Green M&M from men, what’s next—you gonna throw a potato sack over that hot little number on the Morton’s salt container? Is Wendy legal or not?
TN: Well, Wendy is based on a real person, but we’re pretty sure she’s married with kids.
MG: Oh gross, you could have told me she was my age! This interview is over—well, unless that Starbucks chick has a younger sister, then could you pass her this note from me?
