Incoming Vice President JD Vance quietly expressed his relief today that he wouldn’t suffer the temptation of Oval Office furniture until after No Nut November.
“The pillowy embrace of the Oval Office sofa, the sturdy yet supple curves of the Resolute Desk—it’s a good thing I can’t get in there until after No Nut November or I don’t know if I’d be able to make until December,” said Vance, opening up the centerfold to a West Elm catalog. “Just imagine a ménage à trois with that sultry pair of chairs in front of the fireplace. Oh man, I’m getting too worked up, I need to think unsexy thoughts—uh ok, bodily autonomy, consent, the female orgasm—phew, okay we’re good.”
Longtime White House custodian Tim Barnett was already contemplating retirement rather than facing his horrific new cleaning duties.
“Oh hell no, it was bad enough getting all the ranch off the armrests from the last Trump administration—I’m not steam-cleaning any other sticky white substances between the couch cushions,” said Barnett, shuddering at the thought. “Do you know how many twinkies I had to scrape off the underside of the Resolute Desk? If they don’t fire me I’m gonna quit before I have to clean up the cream filling Vance leaves behind in the ottomans.”
Vance later announced that one of his top priorities after the inauguration was to overturn a judge’s ruling that he can’t be within 100 feet of an IKEA after “the incident.”
