Contrary to claims on the front of bags of confections packing grocery store aisles for the holiday season, reports are coming in from candy experts across the nation today that fun-sized candy actually isn’t.
“What could possibly be fun about a micro-aggression like this?” said 8-year-old Lucas Miller scowling at the “fun size” Snickers bar shorter than his pinkie finger. “Enough with the insulting corporate gaslighting and shrinkflation: Take me to Queen Anne or Laurelhurst for the actual fun-sized candy—the King-sized ones—at once!”
One 11-year-old source reports overhearing her mother say she knew the truth all along while talking to a friend on the phone in the back yard.
“Apparently the people who’ve had all the fun with fun-sized candy all along were the parents laughing all the way to their bedrooms on time because their children aren’t having fun bouncing off the walls on a sugar-high until 2 a.m. for an entire week,” said the source. “And it’s not just a few parents doing this—they’re all in on it.”
Due to the cost of supplying all trick-or-treaters with proper-sized candies, at press-time the adults said the best they could offer kids is a choice of their own: Take the fun-sized candy or expect a fun-sized Christmas.
