Today Lower Queen Anne resident Daniel Forsythe made the life-altering decision to buy an artisan loaf of garlic rosemary bread at Metropolitan Market, forever abandoning his dreams of home ownership.
“Look, I’d have loved to own a home someday but today I wanted to have a freshly baked, herbed bread to have with salad tonight, okay? I even sold my Lexus and took a Lime scooter over here for the occasion,” said Forsythe as he looked at his phone to see a text from his wife. “Oh wow—Marsha wants Perrier too. Bye-bye 401k! And arugula? I guess I can call my mom and ask for a six-figure wire transfer so we can make it to the end of the week.”
Having exhausted the obvious resources, Forsythe said he’s opening his mind to new potential income streams.
“I’m just a software engineer who can barely afford a $90 poke bowl let alone The Cookie in this city, so I’m just looking into insurance fraud a bit—how hard can it be to get a compound fracture?” Forsythe said. “One of those raspberry tarts is definitely worth a limb or two.”
At press time, 56% of pedestrians on the 1st Avenue block of Mercer were sporting neck braces.
