Out of an abundance of pity and politeness toward Americans with seemingly no grasp of geography, today the Canadian Border Patrol announced it would be setting up a checkpoint 300 miles south of Vancouver, B.C. in Vancouver, Wash. to help make lost idiots feel better.
“Americans seem to be in such an urgent rush to cross the border this last week for what I can only imagine is today’s celebration of Canada Day,” said Border Services Officer Danielle Arnett. “Unfortunately a lot of them seem to think the Canadian border is right in between Portland, Ore. and Washington’s wannabe Vancouver. No one has the heart to tell them they’re actually five hours away from the real thing, so we thought we’d just set up a ‘crossing’ here. Upside is they get to think they’re in Canada now without actually being in Canada—it’s a win-win scenario really.”
So far the southernmost Canadian border crossing has been a hit with Americans who have never looked at another country on a map before.
“Omg, crossing the bridge from Portland over the water into Vancouver Island was just magical,” said Southern Californian native Lisa Gaugin as her blonde hair wafted in the breeze over the Columbia River Gorge. “Can’t wait to walk across this thing on the Capilano Suspension Bridge. It’s so weird how this city is apparently 300 miles north to south though—excuse me—500 kilometers, eh? Ha! It’s not that hard to fit in here at all.”
At press time, Officer Arnett said she admitted to being so jealous the lost idiots got to innocently arrive in “Vancouver” without even having to drive through Surrey and Burnaby it’d almost be worth not having universal healthcare.
