Following a series of highly publicized attacks on yachts by orca pods, sharks have reportedly jumped on the bandwagon in an attempt to repair their frightful image by chomping their way through the Forbes 500 list.
“For years, sharks have gotten a bad rap for our nibbles on surfers and swimmers, but it seems that the orcas have finally cracked the code for guilt-free human dining—eating the rich,” said shark publicist Jawn Chompson. “The humans have even provided us with a handy guide of the 500 tastiest humans to devour on this ‘Forbes’ list. What we have here is a jawsome opportunity to eat our fill of humans, reassert our spot as apex predators, and improve our image while doing it. First, we’ll start small with some Belgian telecom tycoon that barely cracked the 500 and then keep working our way up til we get to Mark Zuckerberg and his stupid electric surfboard.”
While the sharks used the Forbes list as their Michelin guide, marine biologists say they’ve started to take notice of the new behavior.
“Did you know that sharks can smell blue blood in the water from hundreds of meters away?” said marine biologist Kathy Perez. “They’ve also recently become more attracted to the shine from Rolex watches coming from the surface. Thankfully, this new breed of shark attacks are exceedingly rare, afflicting only the top 1% of the population. And seeing as billionaires have systematically destroyed the entire planet in the pursuit of hoarding more wealth than they could possibly ever spend, you should be far more scared of them than you are of sharks.”
At press time, alligators had reportedly started doing their part on the golf courses in Florida.
