Out of an abundance of caution, today Sound Transit suddenly closed its University of Washington Station to ensure the public was safely protected from using or witnessing grown American adults exercise their First Amendment rights on a publicly funded college campus.
“We know this may have suddenly ruined thousands of people’s commute home today, but the most important thing at the end of the day is that none of these people run the risk of even witnessing fellow Americans use their constitutional right to free speech and peaceful assembly,” said Sound Transit CEO Goran Sparrman. “There’s nothing more threatening and traumatizing than seeing idealistic college students hold up signs saying ‘Stop Slaughtering Children’ and ‘Genocide Bad.’”
Although it took him three times as long to get home on five different buses, local boomer commuter Ted Wankerson said he appreciated Sound Transit protecting him from being anywhere near mobs of people violently standing on grass speaking their minds.
“Thank you, Sound Transit—I can’t believe how deathly close I was to seeing college students use their constitutional right to protest their government or, worse yet, any narrative that isn’t pre-approved by Israel, AIPAC or ADL,” said Wankerson, wiping sweat from his brow. “The problem here obviously isn’t that Sound Transit is willing to go this far to block people from using their First Amendment right, it’s that people want to use their First Amendment right. Why are all of these college students thinking and learning things on their own when they could just believe everything President Biden spoon-feeds them, then stay quiet so they’re more prepared to be employed by Boeing?”
At press time, Sound Transit said it would re-open UW Station as soon as its ridership was safely balanced with more calm, civil people who understand sometimes you just have to bomb the literal brains out of more than 13,000 children.
