The Seattle City Council approved a $500 million budget today that gives the Seattle Police Department a flaming eye atop the Space Needle that points towards suspected crimes.
“The perception of public safety is our top priority, and what makes a city feel more safe like spending the entire city budget on a giant flaming eye that directs an armed police response at anything that might be construed as a crime?” said Seattle City Council President Sara Nelson. “Now law-abiding citizens can finally rest easy knowing they’re being watched at all times. Officially, it’s being called ‘The Eye of the Needle,’ although SPD has started calling it the ‘Punisher’s Pupil’—personally I think the ‘Eye of Sara’ has a nice ring to it.”
Although The Eye has already directed caravans of armed officers to arrest jaywalkers, drivers of backfiring cars, and has broken up an organized seagull french fry-theft ring, there were reportedly still a few bugs to work out.
“This AI-enabled tech is going to revolutionize the way we respond to things that kinda look like they could possibly be crimes–the only issue is that it seems really fixated on short people wearing jewelry,” said SPD spokesperson Hal Brand. “Yesterday ‘The Eye’ declared a priority alert so we sent five squad cars only to discover it was just a couple of five-year-olds walking around carrying a ring pop. We have no idea how it works, but we’ve been assured that The Eye’s AI technology isn’t capable of making a mistake so we arrested their parents and some old bearded guy nearby, but still—kinda weird.”
At press time, The Eye was seen watching the hiking trails leading up Mt. Rainier, leading to the arrest of a man that was proposing to his longtime boyfriend at the summit.
