Staffers reportedly found Mayor Bruce Harrell in a City Hall bathroom today, sweaty and distraught, chanting “SuperSonics” while splashing a mirror and then twirling three times in an attempt to summon the city’s former NBA team back from beyond the unknown.
“This has actually been going on for a while: Last summer an intern had to clean up spent candles and a SuperSonics logo drawn in blood off his office floor, and last fall I saw him stabbing a voodoo doll of NBA Commissioner Adam Silver,” said one Mayor’s Office staffer who wished to not be named. “We began to believe he was at it again on Bring Your Child To Work Day last week when we saw his first-born child leave with a ‘campaign donor’ in a bright red suit with a pitchfork. And then of course over the weekend there were the accidentally summoned zebras.”
Despite his clear desperation to bring the team back, some constituents said they weren’t as impressed with Harrell’s efforts—in fact, some want him to focus his witchcraft on some other big potential wins for the city.
“I mean, if he’s doing blood magic, could he at least lower the rents or create more affordable housing?” said one Seattle resident. “Or make the buses run on time? Or make social programs for the homeless? Or stop the fires over the summer? Or fix the fentanyl crisis? Or, goddamnit, at least let the Mariners play their first World Series game?”
At press time, Mayor Harrell had reportedly stopped using Satanic arts to re-summon the Sonics after a spirit finally told him he could only have them if he sacrificed Seattle Police Department Officer Kevin Dave.
