In a final blow to thousands of advocates for turning Pike Place Market into a car-free zone, today the Seattle City Council granted Historic Landmark Status to a long line of tourists stuck driving through Pike Place to ensure they could continue being there for years to come.
“Confused tourists driving rental cars through Pike Place have been the backbone of the market economy since it was founded in 1907,” said Councilmember Bob Kettle. “That is why I am proposing legislation that will ensure Hyundai Elantras (or similar) and Nissan Rogues (or similar, if upgrade is available for Hertz Gold Plus Rewards Members) will always be a part of the vibrant and historic Pike Place Market streetscape. No shade to its vendors and the incredible views of ferries, Rainier and the Olympics, but the real economic lifeblood of this market is and always has been pedestrians afraid they’re about to get mowed over by a driver with three kids screaming in the backseat who’s losing their goddamn mind.”
When asked if they were honored by the designation, tourists stuck driving through Pike Place for what may now be a literal eternity said it was the least the city could do for them at this point.
“Honestly, what I think I would have liked more than a historic landmark designation sign next to my car stating that I’ve been idling here next to the cider stand since Friday morning is a sign at the entrance of the market warning me that there’s literally no escape once I choose to drive in here,” said Sal Ramirez, who thought he’d be taking his family on a nice little weekend trip to Seattle. “But, if we’re gonna be trapped here forever, it is nice to be recognized. It certainly makes sitting here watching some dude slowly eat Hellenika right in front of our car us feel a little more honorable.”
At press time, Councilmember Kettle refuted claims that cars constantly idling at the Market isn’t environmentally friendly by saying a monument to cars trapped like mosquitos caught in amber might be the best advertisement to everyone else for never driving car anywhere again.
