Afraid support for Israel’s relentless assaults on Palestine could further wane without taking quick action, Congress is reportedly rushing to draft bipartisan emergency legislation that would once and for all ban Macklemore.
“We banned TikTok and I’m pretty sure all we need to do now to finally convince young Americans that slaughtering thousands of brown people is okay again is keeping them from listening to the new song Macklemore dropped on Monday called Hind’s Hall,” said Sen. Tom Cotton. “In addition to the hate-speech in the song advocating for college students’ First Amendment rights to free speech and peaceful assembly, this rapper keeps saying he’s from some strange place I’ve never heard of called Seattle even though he’s clearly a foreign agent from China here to corrupt the minds of our youth.”
Losing no time in stopping the spread of Macklemore, law enforcement across the country has been given executive orders to enforce the legislation before it is even officially passed.
“We sent out notice to the FBI to raid libraries, tea shops and plant nurseries for copies of Macklemore’s albums to ensure that nobody was corrupted by his influence and grew a conscience ever again,” said Secretary of State Antony Blinken, rubbing his bloodshot eyes. “This is the gravest threat to our democracy since that lady with the pink umbrella. And if you think you had a stressful day, I was the one that had to tell the President that Macklemore has fallen. We can tolerate a rapper who strives to be so progressive sometimes it makes us want to barf, but we draw the line a rapper who can’t stay silent about genocide.”
As President Biden waited for the legislation to arrive at his desk for his signature, he was reportedly having an emergency phone call with Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu to reassure him he was always more of a Matisyahu fan.
