After a disastrous financial quarter that saw a $355 million loss, today Boeing announced that its latest round of cost-saving layoffs would affect hundreds in its whistleblower assassin department.
“When I got my pink slip it felt like an icepick to the heart—I mean I’ve been solving Boeing’s delicate problems for years and this is the thanks I get? Unbelievable,” said longtime whistleblower assassin Sid Clementi. “It used to be that this company took care of its people—my old man was a corporate assassin and when he retired after 40 years, he got a pension, a cake shaped like cement shoes, and a golden garotte wire as thank you for his years of service. The engineer types that used to run Boeing understood the value of working with your hands, but ever since these pencil pushers took over all they’ve done is assassinate the integrity of this once great company.”
But Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun insisted that the latest cost-cutting measures were vital to a multi-year restructuring that would ensure future profitability for its shareholders.
“We appreciate everything that the ‘Silence Engineers’ in our ‘Fixer Department’ have done for us, but why have an in-house team when you can just outsource the silencing of whistleblowers for a fraction of the cost?” said Calhoun, putting up an ad on Craigslist. “The last whistleblower was convinced to ‘clam up’ by a guy I hired on TaskRabbit for $75 and lunch at Chipotle. Granted, I would have preferred that the whistleblower didn’t mysteriously decide to die of ‘self-inflicted wounds’ in the middle of his deposition in the most suspicious circumstances possible, but you can’t argue with the savings. Besides, once we acquire Spirit Airlines, we can give future whistleblowers a ‘one way ticket’ and just let nature take its course.”
At press time, Boeing announced that from this point on, golden parachutes for outgoing CEOs will now be replaced by golden bulletproof vests.
