Today a helpless woman who looked like she had no idea what she was doing in the exotic aisles of Uwajimaya, Seattle’s best Asian grocery store, was rescued by a cultured and learned white man bearing a life-saving recommendation for Kewpie Mayo.
“I know I may look like the kind of guy who never spices his food up with anything but regular mayo, but lucky for you I’m actually quite the adventurous foodie so let me tell you all about this thing you’ve probably never heard about: Kewpie Mayo,” said Christian Arnold with a bottle in-hand. “I discovered it last week when I discovered this place and just wow, trust me, you’re welcome.”
The woman effusively thanked him for his outgoing and thoughtful generosity in her time of needing specifically someone like him in that specific environment.
“I’ve actually been coming to this market in the International District neighborhood I’ve lived in since I was a small child, but it took this heroic culinary pioneer for me to find this store’s true riches,” said Jenny Kanzan, breathlessly thanking him again and again with her hand over her heart. “What a crusader he is for finding a product that is a Japanese version of the backbone of his own culture’s bland-ass, literally often white cuisine, just way the fuck better.”
At press time Arnold arose to the level of gastronomic super-hero when he asked Jenny if she’d ever heard of this really rare, decadent dessert called Beard Papa cream puffs.
