A new report revealed that the wild raccoons hanging outside your house that you’ve been admiring would love to be adopted by you, if you just had the courage to make the first move.
“Do you find yourself scrolling through TikTok, watching videos of adorable raccoons at 2 a.m. wishing you could have one? Well, we have good news: We’ve recently discovered that raccoons would love to be adopted by you, but they’re naturally shy and are just waiting for you to make the first move,” said raccoon expert Clark Fuller. “Furthermore, we have discovered that they would love to wear an adorable little blazer with shorts like British private schoolchildren and want to be introduced to your friends as your little fur baby.”
After years of dropping hints that they would love to be rescued from the cold, rainy outdoors, the raccoons were glad that the humans had noticed.
“We thought you’d never notice how we played coy hanging around your porches, showed you that we’re willing to eat all your leftovers, and even learned how to wash our hands to impress you,” said local raccoon Francis Wigglebottom. “We were starting to get a little insulted that you let cats in, but not us—you guys do know that your cats all want to kill you, right? They keep trying to bribe us with cat food to use our hands to flick lighters on and open switchblades for them.”
At press time, the National Possum Coalition released a statement asking you to continue leaving them alone.
