Despite their best efforts, several frustrated Washington state voters are reporting the unfortunate news that Republican gubernatorial candidate Semi Bird continues to not be WNBA and Seattle Storm legend Sue Bird.
“Every time I see a name that close to Sue Bird’s, I get so excited that I think it’s only right for that person to be Sue Bird—but then they rudely continue not to be and it’s like, wow, okay asshole, be that way,” said Lana Reed, after her third Google search in the last year confirming once again that the two people are completely separate individuals. “And then not only is he not a WNBA superstar, but he was some anti-mask school board member so conservative even an Eastern Washington city like Richland recalled him last summer. Just, like, the nerve!”
Further damaging his reputation is that Semi Bird has allegedly also not even won a single WNBA Championship, Olympic gold medal, or NCAA Championship.
“If Republicans really think all they have to do a gubernatorial ticket is put a Bird on it, I’ve got news: This is Washington, not Portlandia, and that trend died years ago,” said another voter, Brian Meyer, who said he’s also tired of seeing a name close to someone he respects then finding out they’re just some MAGA dude from the Tri-Cities. “There are so many things I don’t like about this guy: He’s threatened to sue a school district to block teachers’ First Amendment rights, he supports a bunch of dumb initiatives that Redmond hedge fund manager Brian Heywood bankrolled and he describes himself on his candidate website as a “career American” whatever the fuck that means. But, obviously, worst of all is that he’s not Sue Bird.”
In what may be a final blow to his campaign, Semi Bird is also reportedly not even Big Bird.
