President Joe Biden finally took a tough stance on the continuing atrocities being committed in Gaza today, vowing that things would be very different if he was President of the United States.
“I don’t know which one of these knuckleheads is running things in the Oval Office, but I’d sure like to have a word with him about how badly things are being handled between Israel and Palestine,” said President Biden to a confused crowd at a campaign event. “All I know is that things would be a lot different if I was running the show instead of this joker. If I can count on your vote in November, I promise I’ll use my first term as President to sort all this hullabaloo in Gaza out.”
U.S. officials shared the sentiment that they just wished someone in power could do something to stop all the mass civilian casualties in Gaza.
“It’s just awful what’s happening over there, but unfortunately the U.S. is powerless to do anything about it,” said UN Ambassador Linda Thomas-Greenfield, frowning really hard while vetoing another ceasefire resolution. “Hypothetically, if there was a global superpower that was financially and militarily empowering Israel to continue bombing Palestinian civilians and blockading food and medical aid they’d be able to withhold support and put a stop to this— unfortunately, I can’t think of any country like that. We keep trying to get the UN to step in but gosh darn it, somebody keeps vetoing it!”
Democratic leadership was quick to warn that if Republican nominee Donald Trump were elected, the catastrophic conditions in Gaza could remain exactly the same as they are now.
