The tentative Seattle Police Officers’ Guild contract released this week includes a 23% retroactive wage bump that was calculated by increasing their wage almost 4% for each of the six SPD officers present during the insurrection on January 6th, 2021.
“Crafting something as unheard of as a ‘retroactive raise’ really takes some creative accounting, but we found that the best mathematical formula we could come up with was about 4% for each of the Seattle Police Department officers that were present during their patriotic field trip on January 6th, 2021,” said SPOG president Mike Solan. “Which, would you look at that—by some coincidence is the day we decided to set the retroactive pay to start! Just goes to show you that Trump—er I mean, God—works in mysterious ways.”
The raises would increase the starting pay for new officers from just over $83,000 to nearly $103,000 annually, or roughly a $408 raise for each MPH over the speed limit SPD Officer Kevin Dave was going when he hit and killed Jaahnavi Kandula with his cruiser while she was in a crosswalk.
“While retroactive raises are a terrific start from Mayor Harrell, the Seattle City Council won’t stop until they help give the SPD everything on their wish lists—subsidized housing, free beer during their shift at Fremont Brewing, and—you didn’t hear it from me—but pony rides and cowboy hats while directing traffic at Mariners games just might be in the budget this year,” said Council President Sara Nelson. “I mean, when I heard that it took 23 minutes for officers to respond to a shooting with a victim at Showbox SODO when they were a 3 minute drive away, I thought to myself ‘My God, that’s horrible—what these shining knights need are taxpayer-subsidized Ferraris!’ Then, and only then, will we all finally be safe in this city.”
At press time, 400 additional SPD officers admitted they were at the Capitol Riots on January 6th, ballooning the police budget by 1600%.
