Starbucks CEO Laxman Narasimhan took a break from extracting value for shareholders to extract some coffee during a publicity shift at a Capitol Hill Starbucks today, where he reportedly proceeded to fuck up every single order.
“It was so refreshing to see the CEO of the biggest coffee company in the world put on an apron for the cameras, pretend to work alongside the baristas, and absolutely fuck up every single aspect of the job—I mean it was like he had never seen a cup of coffee before,” said Starbucks customer Bethany Pratt. “Most of these bigtime corporations forget about the little guy, but not Starbucks—he even remembered my name as he handed me a coffee lid full of loose beans floating in microwaved milk! I had ordered a nitro cold brew with brown sugar foam, but you know, it’s the thought that counts.”
As new Starbucks leadership attempted to ingratiate themselves with employees amid ongoing attempts to break up their unions, baristas were flattered by the blatant publicity stunt.
“Oh yeah, it’s not disruptive at all having that corporate presence in here, I got a bunch of overtime remaking every single coffee that they screwed up,” said Starbucks barista Tim Moore. “I hope the photographer snapping pictures really captured the desperation in my eyes as I tried to get through this shift while being asked ‘how do I make the milk come out of the big metal steaming nipple?’ And, talk about inspiring: Maybe someday I could become a CEO and play dress up while squeezing my employees dry for a quarterly profit spike before getting my fat bonus check and moving on to some other corporate board.”
Narasimhan said he was hopeful his shift would lead to further beneficial innovations at the company, much like when former CEO Howard Schultz once created Oleato—the olive oil-infused espresso beverage—during a particularly catastrophic publicity shift in Italy.
