Scientists made the groundbreaking discovery today that a person’s age can be reversed by as much as 20 years after local 38-year-old, Sarah Hawkins, recognized five entire names on this year’s Capitol Hill Block Party Lineup.
“We’ve been studying Sarah for years and her musical taste range hasn’t had enough elasticity in it to identify more than 2 artists in the CHBP lineup since her early 20s,” said Lead Researcher Dr. Carol Varnett. “Then, all of a sudden, today she was genuinely recognizing more than twice that number when she saw Kim Petras, Chappell Roan, Cannons, The Beaches, and Linda from Work on the list. She actually said she knew even more than that, but we’re pretty sure she was just faking it at that point because honestly that would be some full-on Benjamin Button-level shit.”
Though groundbreaking, researchers admit they don’t know yet what caused Hawkins rapid age-reversal into a young, intimidatingly trend-setting music snob.
“We have no idea how this happened, but that’s definitely the next direction for our research,” Dr. Varnett said. “Well, right after we figure out the difference between Mold Mom and Swamp Wife.”
The researchers’ Capitol Hill press conference was then abruptly cut short when a brawl broke out between business owners fighting over who would first get the rights to temporarily rename their venue The Pink Pony Club.
