A panicked Seattle made a last-minute doctor’s appointment for an STI screening today after noticing the gum wall had spread all the way to its Bezos Balls.
“I thought it was just a topical gum rash in my Post Alley, but now it’s all the way over on my Bezos Balls—I just hope I can get on some antibiotics before it spreads to my Needle,” said Seattle, itching nervously at its Pike Place. “I guess I better make a couple awkward phone calls to my recent King County flings I’ve recently been getting Incorporated with and let them know they should get tested, too.”
While public health officials were optimistic the spread could be contained, they reminded Seattle of their civic duty to be responsible when pleasing that civic booty.
“I’m not here to kink-shame Seattle for experimenting and having fun out there, but you just gotta be careful because if you don’t get tested regularly these things can get serious—I recall back in the day a city in the Midwest complaining that it burned a little when its river was flowing and that turned into the Great Chicago Fire,” said public health expert Roger Freewell. “The best thing Seattle can do is practice good hygiene and get that area steam cleaned a little more often.”
Public health officials were happy to report that despite being unprotected against the spread of the gum wall, the territory between Fremont and Ballard known as “FreeBall” was unaffected.
