Jubilation across the Seattle area that people would soon finally be able to go number one or two at any of Sound Transit’s light rail stations was cut short today after the transit agency clarified people would soon only be able to ride Lines 1 and 2, not “take number 1 and 2.”
“I guess in our excitement to announce the April 27 opening of the 2 Line on the Eastside—which will someday connect to the 1 Line in Seattle—we forgot how long local public transit ridership has been asking for restrooms to be at our light rail stations,” said Sound Transit Board-member Yuri Knoll. “That’s obviously led to some confusion about this week’s announcement, so we just want to clarify once and for all for the record that we at Sound Transit will never give a shit about your need to take a shit. Now, pardon me: I need to figure out why there’s always so much feces in our stations’ broken escalators that mechanics keep declining to fix because of the sheer amount of excrement stuck in them.”
Asked why Sound Transit keeps avoiding meeting the basic restroom needs of the public who increasingly can’t find private bathrooms near their stations either, Knoll said they can’t afford to and “also, it’s just like, ew.”
“If you’re the kind of person who ever needs to pee or defecate, you can always do it illegally in a nearby bush like the filthy sub-human animal you are,” Knoll said. “Everyone knows the only people who need public restrooms are homeless people—and what would happen if we started giving those kinds of people even the smallest shred of human dignity? That’s right: We would all instantly go bankrupt and become them, so we just can’t.”
At press time, we couldn’t reach Knoll for additional details because he had reportedly been struck by a karma bus and given Crohn’s disease.
