Today one local witch coven is confessing their disappointment that—after all the hard work they put into celebrating Halloween with everyone this year by opening a terrifying portal to hell in Bellevue—no one’s even noticed.
“We set up a whole creepy set of suburban chain stores and restaurants that immediately suck people into a first-row seat to hell as a gift to the community, but all anyone’s still kept talking about is Georgetown Morgue this and BOO Halloween Spooktacular Seattle that,” said local Satanic witch Tookie Clothespin as she comforted her crestfallen sister-witch, Squeegy Beckinheim. “I’m sorry, but a psychopath chasing you with a rusty chainsaw has nothing on the fiery hell a Qdoba can visit upon your tongue and anus in a single day. People still didn’t notice the portal even after we surrounded its entrance with hundreds of lost souls walking around in ironed khaki pants—what gives?”
Not even most residents and people who work and Bellevue every day had noticed the new haunted hole to Hades the witches had set up right in the middle of Bellevue’s downtown.
“Well, no offense, but it just kinda blends in too much for anyone to see it’s even there,” said Kenny Dondero, who has to commute to Bellevue for work. “Honestly, it’s just hard to build something here that looks more scary and intimidating than the giant carbon copy of a maximum security prison that is Meta’s new Spring District headquarters.”
At press time, the stubborn witches said they were frantically searching their spellbooks to see if there’s still a way to take their portal to hell up a notch by convincing Amazon to make good on its threats to move its Seattle offices to Bellevue.
