Despite bragging about being the most profitable team in baseball just last year, today the Seattle Mariners have announced that you will be playing outfield next season in their latest cost-saving move following recent salary dump trades of Eugenio Suarez, Jarred Kelenic, Marco Gonzalez and Evan White.
“Management is asking us to tighten our belts again so we don’t have to spend any money to get help for the team, so we’re gonna be putting you in the outfield on Opening Day—and make sure to bring your own glove to the ballpark, we can’t afford to provide that either,” said Mariners GM Jerry Dipoto. “You’ll be fine, just stand there and let Julio cover most of the grass. And when you get up to bat, try to get hit by a pitch like Ty France. I mean this can’t turn out worse than our Tommy La Stella, AJ Pollock, Kolten Wong, Adam Frazier, and Jesse Winker moves, right? Right??”
The Mariners ranked 10th in attendance in 2023 after finally breaking a 20-year playoff drought, and ownership was quick to reward fans’ enduring loyalty and patience by raising ticket prices 25 percent while teasing fans about a potential Ohtani signing that everyone knows they won’t shell the money out for.
“These ungrateful fans will be a lot more appreciative when they realize these moves will get us this much closer to signing Ohtani—that’s right, Craig Ohtani, a Shoreline mechanic that plays softball on the weekend at Green Lake,” said Mariners CEO John Stanton. “He has great fundamentals, never misses a game because of car troubles, and this Ohtani hits, pitches and covers shortstop because they don’t want to forfeit when they can’t find nine friends to play with. And just think of all the Ohtani jerseys we’ll be able to sell at a fraction of the cost!”
Mariners ownership also announced that in 2024 ushers would start passing around a collection plate at home games to raise funds for future ownership investments that would be utilized anywhere but on the field.
