As the world reels from one massive tragedy to another, thousands of Eastern Washingtonians say they are mourning more innocent times when they didn’t have to choose between being anti-Semitic or Islamophobic.
“Just two months ago, I could blame every wildfire on the Jewish space lasers Marjorie Taylor Greene is always talking about and assume every remotely Arab-looking person is secretly plotting to specifically take down my town in the middle of buttfuck nowhere,” said Eltopia resident Waynemark Wyatt. “But now if I don’t want all my Republican and evangelical friends to hate me, I have to choose to only hate one religious minority in this country—what is this world and specifically every House member of the GOP coming to? Et tu MTG?”
Skinheads east of the Cascades say they’re feeling especially conflicted right now.
“I mean, we just gave leading Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump a glossary of dehumanizing words that set the stage for fascism and genocide—including Nazi Germany favorite ‘vermin’—and now he’s using it to take down enemies of Zionist Jewish people? This is nothing short of betrayal,” said Liberty Lake skinhead Christian Steward as he donned a ”True to the Netanyahu” yarmulke on his bald head. “But, hey—at the end of the day, I’m nothing if not a bootlicker of whichever group looks most white.”
At press time, Eastern Washingtonians said they were comforted by the fact that at least no one is forcing them to understand that the people who wear turbans are actually Sikh, not Muslim, and that Sikh turbans originated as anti-classism statement that all people deserve equal human rights and dignity.
