Identity obscured by a vape cloud, a local teen wondered aloud between fat rips and coughing fits about the lack of imported holiday-flavored Elf Bars and JUUL products at this weekend’s Julefest in Ballard.
“After trying a stuffing-flavored bar in the Thanksgiving drop, I thought Julefest would naturally be where I could find and take some aebleskiver, aquavit, or maybe even some gløgg flavored pulls,” said the local teen. “I tried rizzing up the elves because I thought they were trying to keep the bars to themselves, but all I got when those short kings in tights said ‘god jul’ was this stupid fresh pretzel and mug of mead.”
The local teen was not the only Julefest patron vexed by the lack of vaping options: The event’s Santa Claus—or Tomte, as the Nordic people refer to him—also had some choice words about the annual Nordic Museum event.
“Accountants aren’t judged for doing what they need to get through their busy season, so why should Santa? I only took this gig because I thought I was going to be able to vape between kids,” said the tomte, pulling down his cap to his nose so one could see his red eyes. “After hearing what all the Ferns and Sages want for Christmas, it is only natural that Ol’ Saint Nick gets his ‘NIC,’ if you get my snowdrift.”
At press time, the Nordic Museum’s new troll, Frankie Feetsplinters, was seen telling the local teen and Julefest tomte that he could instead hook them up with some wild stuff West Seattle troll Bruun Idun’s been vaping lately.
