Today—after waging a courageous, three-year battle against right-wing media determined to make “Seattle Is Dying” reality—Seattle officially died at the tender age of 172.
“She fought long and hard against the invasive ‘Seattle Is Dying’ narrative that spread from her KOMO to her Seattle Times Editorial Page, but eventually it was just too much,” said Wade Roberts, the city’s media oncologist at Fred Hutch. “This morning, she unfortunately succumbed after seeing a clip of Jonathan Choe on the Seattle.Looks.Like.Shxt Instagram page rubbing himself up on ceasefire demonstrators at UW while telling them not to touch him, then claiming this city is obviously on its deathbed if not a single one of them wanted to put down their picket signs for just a minute to jack him off under a picnic blanket in the Quad.”
All of Seattle’s residents said they were shocked by the news, which they all heard first from relatives who live outside of Seattle.
“When my dad in Moses Lake called and told me, I thought he was just being dramatic,” said Ballard resident Jaime Peschel. “I had just gotten back from a beautiful fall walk around Green Lake and a nice little brunch with some friends when he called to deliver the news and remind me that I should wear a tin-foil hat so the 5G towers don’t scramble my brainwaves. I thought he was just listening to Jason Rantz or Brandi Kruse again, but then I smelled the burning as she sails away on her sacred journey to Valhalla.”
Seattle is survived by her estranged sister, Portland. In lieu of flowers, Seattle’s loved ones are asking people to join the fight against right-wing media cancer by signing up to give modest monthly donations to local, independent, grass-roots media organizations that aren’t afraid to counter right-wing narratives or report things big media corporate sponsors like Starbucks, Target, Microsoft and Amazon won’t like.
