Following the closing of the beloved Theo Chocolate Factory last week, an environmental disaster was officially declared today after the chocolate containment was breached, dumping gallons of crude cocoa into the Fremont Cut.
“Boats stuck in a bubbly choco quagmire, local wildlife dipped in delectable chocolate fondue—we haven’t seen a confectionary-related disaster this bad since the Cocoa Cadiz spilled all that chocolate mousse off the coast of France in ‘78,” said environmental scientist Terry Gaulle, licking his fingers after rescuing a duck. “The spill is slowly creeping its way through Lake Union, and we fear that it could soon reach Ivar’s Salmon House—I’m not sure what happens when you mix chocolate and salmon, but I don’t think we want to find out.”
With boats stranded and wildlife in danger, local agencies were putting out the call for help to the local community.
“Our cleanup crews are working around the clock, but we’re asking any competitive eaters, schoolchildren, and local stoners to come down here and help cleanup this delicious disaster,” said local official Stephanie Turner. “We’ll provide volunteers with protective gear and lots of milk to help the chocolate go down, just remember to lick the chocolate off the wildlife, and resist the urge to take a bite.”
At press time, the situation has reportedly gotten worse after an Ice Cream Cruise boat ran aground and added a vanilla swirl to the spill.
