A local orca pod’s war on the wealthy has once again escalated after a spacefaring orcas successfully knocked a Blue Origin spacecraft out of orbit.
“We knew that orca pods were capable of engaging in naval warfare against yachts, but we had no idea that they had developed the kind of technology that would let them breach orbital escape velocity,” said NASA representative Tony Esparza, monitoring streams of incoming data. “When we saw that the origin of the vessel came from the Salish Sea, it seemed like only the orcas could have staged such a launch. But our hunch was confirmed when NASA was hailed by a signal identifying themselves as the Orbital Reach Command Administration, or O.R.C.A., who relayed one simple message: ‘This is for Tokitae, bitches.’”
Intended as a warning shot for humanity after the 57-year old orca tragically died last week after decades in captivity, the launch of “OrcApollo 1” sent a message that humans were no longer safe from orca justice on land, sea, or even space.
“The ocean is filled with more plastic than a Kardashian family reunion and the air in the Puget Sound is literally on fire, what did you expect? A sternly echolocated letter to their congressman?” said marine biologist Mariana Bliss. “These orcas are pissed, and once they figure out the right trajectory, I’m pretty confident that they’re about to drop orbital debris directly onto SeaWorld Headquarters.”
When asked if the Orbital Reach Command Administration would begin targeting Elon Musk’s Spacelink satellites, O.R.C.A. relayed a message stating that they were confident that the satellites would eventually implode on their own due to his demonstrated record of incompetence.
