Following a traumatic encounter in which a sidewalk tent crossed into his line of sight, a conservative Seattle-based blogger declared today that he’s just about ready to make good on his threat to move out of “this crime-ridden hellscape” for the 14th year in a row.
“If Seattle doesn’t get its act together and elect a new councilmembers who are tough on crime, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to comfortably live in this gated Sandpoint community for much longer than another decade or two,” blogger Fred Grimes opined in his latest piece. “This isn’t like the fifth or eleventh time I’ve sworn I’ve had enough of this city going to hell as its overall violent crime and property crime rates have steadily declined since the 80s. No, this time, I’ve really got half a mind to move out to Spokane where shootings since 2019 have only tripled.”
For the 14th year in a row, residents all over the city of Seattle again clutched their pearls at the thought of Grimes really, actually, finally leaving the Emerald City.
“No! No! How will we go on attending Seahawks games, throwing fish, and strolling along the Sound at the Olympic Sculpture Park without knowing our beloved Grimes isn’t still within the city limits writing about how horrible it is to live within the city limits?” said Seattle resident Lydia Larkin. “Oh, the heartache we would all feel if he actually sold his home for some obscene profit and had to move six miles away to a different palatial home in Bellevue. What’s next? Is he even going to unfollow us on social media? I can’t bear the thought!”
Multiple sources say, however, that Seattle residents like Chavez have nothing to worry about: Grimes has reportedly just signed a 14-year contract to report annual Seattle is Dying specials for KOMO.
