A year and a half after being named Microsoft’s Director of Global Security Risk Operations, today Carmen Best—former Seattle Police Chief during 2020 protests and subsequent East Precinct abandonment—finally announced her team’s highly anticipated first product launch: Text Deleter 365.
“Whether you’ve committed dereliction of duty by abandoning a police precinct, or you’ve overseen a brutal assault on people exercising their free speech rights to criticize your racist, violent police force, it’s vitally important for modern elected leaders to have the most advanced tools on hand to destroy public records detailing how they enabled these violent acts so that they can’t be unearthed by pesky investigative journalists like Erica Barnett and her FOIA wizard wand,” said Best to a packed Microsoft auditorium in Redmond today. “The days of wondering which incriminating texts you’ve deleted and whether you can be legally held responsible for being the person who deliberately broke public record laws—which would be a felony—are over. Now you can bet they’re being automatically deleted by our software 365 days a year. As valued Microsoft Partners, we’re overjoyed to share this groundbreaking technology with every politician and government agency already in our generous pockets.”
Attorney General Bob Ferguson, who’s already been endorsed by Best in his run for Washington State governor, said he’s grateful for yet another gift from the former police chief he’s excited to use immediately.
“Look, I’m not gonna say she owed me one … but she owed me one,” said Ferguson, who has declined investigating and charging Best for deleting sensitive public record texts about the 2020 protests in Seattle for more than three years now. “I’m sure she’ll be happy to have technology like this available herself for when she runs for whatever local political office Microsoft is grooming her for. Her days of needing to Thelma and Louise it with Jenny Durkan are clearly and thankfully over.”
At press time, the Seattle Police Officers Guild had reportedly already reached out to their former chief to see if the concept behind Text Deleter 365 could also help create software for a Body Cam Footage Deleter 365.
