A relaxing after-work jog turned deadly for one man today after he fell behind his jogging pack and was picked off by the voracious blackberry bushes engulfing Discovery Park.
“It all happened so fast—one minute Brandon was right behind us, and the next he was being dragged away into oblivion by those blackberry bastards,” said fellow jogger Stefan Selvig, somberly clutching a single Hoka sneaker he found near the bush. “We tried to save him, but there were brambles everywhere and all we could find was his left shoe and his Fitbit. I just take comfort knowing that his biometric data says he put up one hell of a fight until the very end.”
But as yearly heatwaves worsen and water becomes more scarce, environmental scientists believe that the already invasive blackberry bushes will become even more aggressive in future years.
“Blackberry bushes used to be satisfied to strangle neighborhood gardens and prey upon native plant species, but recently we’ve observed more aggressive varieties snatching birds out of the air or setting snare traps for rabbits,” said environmental scientist Blaire Caulfield. “As climate change worsens and the planet fights back, don’t be surprised if we start seeing razorsharp pine needles, poisonous peonies, and even gunflowers joining their ranks.”
Officials later warned that there was a suspicious amount of blackberry bushes congregating along the route of the Seward Park half marathon later this month.
