With summer in full swing and work more stressful than ever, experts have started to recommend breaking up your workday by tossing your laptop into the Puget Sound, walking in after it, and just disassociating for a bit while you float there.
“A good work-life balance is important, especially when the world is on fire but you’re stuck working overtime so you can boost company profits that will be used for stock buybacks before you’re laid off and the cycle begins anew—so make sure to take the occasional wellness break to chuck your laptop and yourself into the nearest body of water,” said mental health expert Bethany Collins. “Personally, I like to float there for hours and imagine I’ve started a new life with King Triton in the underwater Kingdom of Atlantica. Sure, the aquatic monarchy is problematic, but a charismatic hermit crab assured me that I won’t have to answer any more emails under the sea.”
The new wellness trend, dubbed “Wet Quitting,” has taken Seattle by storm this summer.
“The IT department is pretty pissed that I’ve gone through nine laptops this month, but—I gotta say—I’ve never felt more relaxed at work,” said Tony Clarke, tracking water through the hallways as he returned to his desk at Amazon. “I used to get so stressed about toiling my life away to hit sales targets so six dudes can have more money than God, but now I just yeet my Macbook into South Lake Union and all my problems just seem to magically disappear.”
Although experts extolled the therapeutic virtues of Wet Quitting, they made sure to stress the importance of bringing the laptops back ashore with you when you’re finished, or the Orcas will seek revenge.
