After his campaign for governor received a clutch endorsement last week from Carmen Best—a former Seattle police chief and public records violator he refused to investigate for some reason—today Attorney General Bob Ferguson said he’s hoping for even more key endorsements from several other popular Seattle-area darlings like Russell Wilson and Howard Schultz.
“Man, I just feel like if I can get a multi-billionaire people only think of when they’re sad the Sonics are gone, drink burnt coffee, or get frustrated with why rich union-busting assholes hardly ever get held accountable for breaking longstanding labor laws, we’ve got this in the bag,” said Ferguson, a Democrat. “And if we get the endorsement of an annoyingly religious, former local sports legend who was so desperate to abandon this city he decided to have one of the worst seasons of his life playing somewhere else—I mean! Honestly, I wouldn’t know why Democratic challenger WaDNR Commissioner Hilary Franz would even bother staying in this race it would be so over!”
Ferguson’s campaign manager Hank Robinson says his endorsements so far are just the tip of the iceberg of what’s to come.
“It’s not confirmed, but if I’ve done my job right, I think sometime this next month former Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan may also announce her endorsement for Bob right back in the heart of Capitol Hill with celebratory rainbow-colored tear gas, little blue-line punisher flags, and everything,” said Robinson, blushing with excitement. “With Seattle officially in the bag, we’ll move onto seeking Pierce County Sheriff Ed Troyer’s endorsement. Tacoma just loves how that guy has done jack shit to punish the officers who killed Manuel Ellis and especially not himself after his Karen-esque lies almost got an innocent black newspaper delivery man driving in his neighborhood killed.”
Other rumored Bob Ferguson endorsements coming down the pike reportedly include Rachel Dolezal, Heat Dome, Ed Murray, and an adorable Seattle tourist who won’t stop saying “Pike’s Place.”
