Desperate to cut down on wedding costs, one genius local couple says nothing has spared them from unnecessary expenditures and drunken speeches about “woke” culture more than sending #SeattleIsDying stories to their least favorite relatives.
“Of course, I didn’t tell Uncle Doug and Aunt Richelle not to come – I just sent them a Post Millennial article about how the same homeless transgender antifa terrorist who burnt down the entire city in 2020 is at it again and we literally have not a single police officer to protect us from them,” said Brenda Larson, curating a few more choice pieces of sensationalist news to forward on Facebook. “My Great Uncle Frank has already let us know he can’t come because he doesn’t want to be forcefully vaccinated by aliens when he arrives at SeaTac Airport. I told him that’s too bad, but we appreciate him telling us so we can offer one of our block reservation rooms in our currently still on-fire hotel venue to someone else.”
With the exorbitant price of throwing a wedding approaching the price of a down payment on a house, Brenda’s fiancé Alan Bryson said he’s also determined to help make the wedding as affordable and enjoyable as possible.
“I told some relatives on my side that the wedding is taking place in the demilitarized zone that separates CHOP from the rest of the city,” said Alan, photoshopping characters from Mad Max into their engagement photos. “Look, we want to have kids someday and daycare isn’t getting any cheaper: So, if I can save some cash by telling my aunt the wedding will be catered by the Drag Satanist Society then pass me the red pumps and call me Louise Cypher.”
At press time, the couple said they had finally completely whittled down their invite list to only the people they truly like after sending questionable relatives and family acquaintances an all-caps master compilation of Jonathan Choe’s tweets.
