As thousands of fans clamored into Climate Pledge Arena and nearby bars to cheer on the Kraken’s exciting playoff run tonight, a full Kraken bandwagon of fans who just found out what a slapshot is last week remains indefinitely stuck in Queen Anne traffic.
“Sure, the traffic ahead of games like this around Queen Anne is always horrendous, but also, there’s so many people on that thing I don’t think it’s even possible for it to move more than an inch-per-hour,” said SDOT spokesman Terry Erickson, as he looked at the procession of the packed, three-block-long bandwagon slowly crawling west on Mercer. “I don’t know what to say other than maybe they should have figured out who Yanni Gourde is and started walking here more than a week ago.”
Hundreds of fans say they’re still waiting for the bandwagon to come pick them up after already waiting for an eternity.
“Ugh, OneBandwagonAway says it’s delayed again. Dang it, I knew I should have jumped on the bandwagon last week, but I was waiting to see if the Mariners were going to get over .500,” said Jeremy Flynn, die-hard Kraken fan since day 461. “At this rate, I’m never going to get to Climate Pledge Arena by Game 4. Well, if I miss this one, I’ll just hop back on the Storm bandwagon and see if that takes me to a fifth championship.”
No pity was to be found for bandwagoners by some long-time, better-prepared Seattle sports fans.
“Look at these rookies scrambling for a spot on the bandwagon—Seattle sports are chaotic, and that’s why true die-hard fans stay ready by wearing every team’s jersey at the same time,” said superfan Tim Walsh, unbuttoning his Julio All-Star jersey to reveal a Kraken shirt. “Bet everyone felt silly when the Seahawks were unexpectedly good last season, but I was wearing both a Geno and Drew Lock jersey like a true fan. I really hope the Sonics come back soon though—I’ve been wearing a Gary Payton jersey underneath all these layers for fifteen years and it’s starting to smell pretty bad.”
Meanwhile, Sea Dragons fans announced there was plenty of room on their bandwagon for next season, which was last seen screeching through SODO at 10 mph with sparks shooting out of its three flat tires.
