Despite 99 percent of the nation never really knowing why the seemingly redundant patriotic holiday exists in the first place, a new study shows 99 percent of Americans would finally be willing to at least remember when Flag Day is if they can get the day off.
“With the average American historically overworked and underpaid, a whopping 99% of people surveyed responded that they would gladly humiliate themselves in front of their co-workers by pretending to care about Flag Day if it scored them a day off,” said economist Gregory Parsons. “An additional 65% of respondents said that they would legally change their names to Betsy Ross and run their star-spangled underwear up a flagpole if it meant they got a three-day weekend out of it.”
Although most Americans were happy to feign interest in the day to get a break from work, a small portion of Flag Day-enthusiasts were legitimately pumped for the holiday.
“Independence Day is fine for people who need their patriotism spiced up with beer and explosions, but purists know that Flag Day is for the sophisticated patriot,” said amateur vexillologist Herb Rollins. “Personally, I fly Old Glory everywhere I go—on my house, on my truck, and also on the fun-sized flagpole I wear atop my hat each and every day.”
Meanwhile down south, the Washington State Department of Transit is asking drivers to allow for extra time in their I-5 commute while traffic is backed up due to the annual Flag Day pilgrimage to the 80-foot American flag outside the Tacoma Screw building.
